i feel like i am constantly making plans that fall through. im really tired of it.

i think i have been desensitized. (is that the right word? haha)
i am not phased by things anymore. im like... oh. wow. that happened.

which is a good thing i think. i was too emotional for a while. now watch something huge happen and im gonna go on an emotional nose dive again.

oh well.

im happy. im busy. i wish i had more time to just do stuff but i gotta work.

cos im going to london in the summer and im going to move out in august. i am making these things happen no matter what.

:) life is good if you choose its good.

i was super sad today. not having a good day at all.

then i danced. :) then i found out he asked if i was gonna be there. (which means he wants me. oh yes he does.) and i am feeling ohhhh so much better.

state and canada this weekend. god lets just skip to thursday already.

artprize wednesday too. life is goooooood. :)

i am getting so busy.

and i like it a lot.
i think i need to stop looking.... and just start living. stop being concerned and sad and just go.

which is what i am starting to do.

i just wish i didnt have to work....

oh well. i will do me.

im over him. cos i KNOW he is wrong for me and a douche bag. but wow. i didnt even see him, just his friends, and i nearly fainted. (after they were gone of course) it amazes me how much someone can affect me.

and i wish i didnt associate him with my music. cos a lot of music i really like i find myself not able to listen to. and also he gave me half of my music library. for example: the new frontiers. and f.u.n. and lydia. DAMN YOU RYAN. i want to listen to that music. it is so good. but it makes me sad. i am giong to go to a f.u.n. concert though. make new memories. BAM. fixed.

god i hate this process.

i've got a feeling.... and i think its a good one. :)


im hopeful. and wishing. and in a good mood. :) such a good feeling compared to the shit i have felt like lately.

doucheeeee bagggggggg.

really? wow.

im so exhausted. i was so excited for school. like SO EXCITED. and now i am so depressed or down or whatever that i am not even enjoying it.

he is still messing with my mind. he is still effecting my moods. he is still ignoring me at the moment. when he was the one that fucked up. i just dont get it.

i need to stop being sad. i need to stop being depressed over this.


i have good friends. i have fun most of the time. but this past week has sucked some major ass.

shit shit shit shit.



im going under again. shit.

bah humbug.

i feel like scrooge.

confidence.

i know what i want.

im not gonna be flustered anymore. well ok, i will be flustered. but that wont stop me from telling people what i want. im not gonna chicken out anymore.

few more weeks of logans. week of fun before school starts. hope it is all good :)


also scheduling biggby might kill me. its gonna be really stressful.

i have been different lately. i have been more confident about myself. i know what i want and i know how i will react and feel around certain situations. which is weird because usually i feel like i dont really know myself. i am more confident about my body and how i look and for the first time ever i think i actually believe that i am pretty. this whole thing sounds vain but i think everyone really needs this to be truely happy with themselves.

but as i get more confident with myself, i get less confident in others. i worry about how easily people come and go in my life. its so easy to lose someone you love. either by choice, or location, or in bad situations even life itself. i have lost a lot of friends lately. biggby friends moving to different states, me choosing not to be friends with people, and just lack of touch. my biggest fear these days is being lonely. not romantically (although i dont like being lonely in that sense either which is unfortunatly my life right now) but just in general. i fear i will have no one to hang out with on a friday night. or no one to tell how my day went. or no one to just randomly text about something silly i saw today or something that made me laugh.


i dont ever want to be alone. please dont leave me.

life life lifey life life.

bored again.

hate logans haha. gonna quit as soon as possible. i just want it to pay for my books and my canada trip :) yayyyyy windsor

i like my friends. i wish i could see them more.



i may confront something tonight.... we shall see though. i have to work logans so we will see how much energy i have for anything when i get home.

read cormac mccarthy's the road. it is so good. very depressing but it had a good message/idea to it i think. and dont you dare cheat and watch the movie. READ THE BOOOK FIRST. i need to rent the movie now and see how it compares.

:) here is to looking ahead.


who really needs the past with the allure of something new?
i wish my mind worked that way

i work. a lot.

i sleep. when im not working.

i see the people i love. whenever i can.


summer. it kinda sucks. bring me fall.

life is boringly smooth and full of no new suprises at the moment. i want something to come and turn my world upside down. for the better though, no tragedies.

i dont know if i like working at logans. but it is a job. and it is doubling my hours basically on the work front. so it will do for now. goodness only knows what will happen when school hits.

but i get to see sami on tuesday and emma might come see me saturday night. that would be wonderful :) <3

yesss.

got up at 8:30
baked two loaves of banana bread.
watched federer make it to the quarter finals at wimbledon.
four job apps completed.
working on my resume now.

going to go to library.
bring resumes to the job app places.
go buy a shirt.
go find katie laurie.
GO TO LUDACRIS CONCERT.


today is goooooooood. :)

out of this world.

i feel kind of alienated from everyone.

i dont feel like partying. i dont feel like really going out that much with my usual crowd. on vacation everything was different. we ddint have as much fun, didnt get along as well, and it was just plain weird. sami and i are fine which is amazing. but everyone and everything else seems kind of out of place. maybe im growing up.

i am not sad. i know this sounds like such a downer post and that im sad all the time. but im not. im slowly forgetting ryan. almost all the way now. but i just feel like i have important things to do now. get down to business. i need a second job. i need to work my ass of for the rest of the summer. and that is not going to happen at biggby.

i want to accomplish things. i want to make the things i want to actually happen. i feel like i always do things half assed. im over that.

im motivated.
im successful.
im me.

looking up?

i am not really sad anymore. just kind of..... empty.

i have a good feeling about life though. it will get better. i will find that person. :)




ps. I NEED A DATE TO A WEDDING.

tired.

today i am pooped.

very tired. rainy.

had funzo yesterday acting like a weirdo with katie. and listening to STYX!


haha. today i am listening to john legend and chillin out before work. nothing new and exciting. just livin yo.



ordinary people

im in a funky funk funk and i dont likey like like it.

im waitin it out a bit.

but waiting kind of scares me.


ive been thinking about life a lot lately. and how i keep thinking of the future. i need to remember that life is NOW. if im not happy now, i cant just wait around for weeks or months thinking it will just get better.

make life what you want it.

life.

i feel like an idiot for being so emtional and getting my damn hopes up over and over.

yesterday, i felt like this.

"i dont understand why i'm not dead. when your heart breaks, you should die."
-harper pitt, angels in america

today. i feel like this.

"seems that i have been held, in some dreaming state
a tourist in the waking world, never quite awake
no kiss, no gentle word could wake me from my slumber
until i realise that it was you that held me under

no more dreamin gof the dead as if death itself was undone
no more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
no more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
no more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
no more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world"
-blinding, florence and the machine.

i am still very sad. yes. but i feel kind of strong at the same time. i think i am done crying (for now at least) and even though i woke up and wanted to die when i realized all that happened last night and i just wanted to roll over and curl up in a ball and sleep till september, i got up. i made it. i can do this. i am strong.

im not going to let him make me this sad ever again.

lost

my closure ran away and left me sitting in the dust confused and sad.

i want it to come back. and i want this to stop. but its not. and im sick of talking about it, and i feel people are sick hearing about it. it needs to end.


go watch into the wild.
i wanna do it. except the dying part.

go back

i would give anything to rewind a few weeks.

i house sat for my uncle this past winter, and i think it was my favorite week of my life. i mean it got stressful and stuff, but it was soooo nice to have my own place, cut off from the world, and such a beautiful environment to live in for a week. i lived in a wonderful snowglobe. it snowed every day, i took the dog on walks around the pond, visited the cows, went to bed at 11 on my own free will, got up early, and got homework done. I felt so accomplished. I kind of cut myself off from the world that week, but i wouldnt have had it any other way. i like being alone. and i like not having to please others all the time. all i had was the dog, the cat, the cows, and the woods. i watched hbo and read and cuddled with an impossible year old lab.

i dont know why, but i just really loved that week. i havent been so at peace with myself as i was that week in a long time. it makes me excited to be independent and have a house of my own, and hopefully i will be blessed enough to have such beautiful surroundings as my uncle does.

oh and ryan and i are done for real this time. i have closure and i feel good about it. and we are still friends. im better now :)

war. what is it good for?

that is exactly what stops me from running back to him this second.

its a battle of my mind versus my emotions. idk which one is winning.

but i hugged him the other day. :)

sigh of relief.

i love my support system.

self discovery

i have never been really really sure of who i am. i try to think of my standpoint on topics or morals or ideas and i always kind of shy away from making a firm decision. but lately... i have been making some realizations. and i am not entirely sure i like them all.

i have always looked as myself as a very independent strong person. i dont think that is the case. i think that is all i knew. but now... i feel so lost. i dont like being alone. i am lonely constantly. i have so many friends. and i am so blessed with that. but i hate knowing that at the end of the night, i have no one to say goodnight to. i have no one to curl up next to.

i am such a hopeless romantic. but at the same time, i do not truly believe i will ever be head over heels in love with someone. its the practical side of me. i cannot imagine myself just melting over someone every time their name is mentioned. yes i have had butterflies and weak knees or whatever but not for any extended period of time. i think i am more concerned about being protected and having someone safe. i like to feel safe. a lot.

i am impatient. very much so. marriage scares the shit out of me, always has. i have never ever imagined myself married. until lately. its a nice thought. having someone there always no matter what. for better or worse. i know it will be a long looooong time before i am married, but i also do not want to wait around to find that person. i am 19. i know that is still so young. but i feel that time is just ticking away waiting for me to make decisions about who i am going to be and who i will be with, and i dont want to miss out. i am scared that i will be alone the rest of my life. it sounds like a lonely existance.

i have also discovered i do things that i dont understand. why am i still waiting by my phone? i completely revolve around it. if i dont hear from him for a day its like my world is ending. why is that? i do not understand. it is driving me insane. i cannot understand why i am still so sad and excited and emotional. it has been a month. i almost cried today. the holidays were really hard for me to be alone. i thought this would be the year i had someone to kiss when the ball dropped. i thought i would have someone to bring to family parties maybe. someone to tell all my frustrations about my family about. a vacation from stress. the weird thing is i know i would not have been happy if i was still with him. i dont know if i cannot accept the fact that he is not the one for me, or if i just didnt know i had a good thing in my grasp. maybe i had to loose it to realize what i had.

all i know is that i will not be unfair to him. i will not be that girl who plays with his emotions and ruins his day because i cannot decide what i want for myself.

even though i do not like it, i will be strong. i will be independent. because i cant stand hurting anyone anymore.

someone wake me up when i am ready to understand myself. because this is exhausting.

this almost explains it.