self discovery

i have never been really really sure of who i am. i try to think of my standpoint on topics or morals or ideas and i always kind of shy away from making a firm decision. but lately... i have been making some realizations. and i am not entirely sure i like them all.

i have always looked as myself as a very independent strong person. i dont think that is the case. i think that is all i knew. but now... i feel so lost. i dont like being alone. i am lonely constantly. i have so many friends. and i am so blessed with that. but i hate knowing that at the end of the night, i have no one to say goodnight to. i have no one to curl up next to.

i am such a hopeless romantic. but at the same time, i do not truly believe i will ever be head over heels in love with someone. its the practical side of me. i cannot imagine myself just melting over someone every time their name is mentioned. yes i have had butterflies and weak knees or whatever but not for any extended period of time. i think i am more concerned about being protected and having someone safe. i like to feel safe. a lot.

i am impatient. very much so. marriage scares the shit out of me, always has. i have never ever imagined myself married. until lately. its a nice thought. having someone there always no matter what. for better or worse. i know it will be a long looooong time before i am married, but i also do not want to wait around to find that person. i am 19. i know that is still so young. but i feel that time is just ticking away waiting for me to make decisions about who i am going to be and who i will be with, and i dont want to miss out. i am scared that i will be alone the rest of my life. it sounds like a lonely existance.

i have also discovered i do things that i dont understand. why am i still waiting by my phone? i completely revolve around it. if i dont hear from him for a day its like my world is ending. why is that? i do not understand. it is driving me insane. i cannot understand why i am still so sad and excited and emotional. it has been a month. i almost cried today. the holidays were really hard for me to be alone. i thought this would be the year i had someone to kiss when the ball dropped. i thought i would have someone to bring to family parties maybe. someone to tell all my frustrations about my family about. a vacation from stress. the weird thing is i know i would not have been happy if i was still with him. i dont know if i cannot accept the fact that he is not the one for me, or if i just didnt know i had a good thing in my grasp. maybe i had to loose it to realize what i had.

all i know is that i will not be unfair to him. i will not be that girl who plays with his emotions and ruins his day because i cannot decide what i want for myself.

even though i do not like it, i will be strong. i will be independent. because i cant stand hurting anyone anymore.

someone wake me up when i am ready to understand myself. because this is exhausting.

this almost explains it.