im so exhausted. i was so excited for school. like SO EXCITED. and now i am so depressed or down or whatever that i am not even enjoying it.

he is still messing with my mind. he is still effecting my moods. he is still ignoring me at the moment. when he was the one that fucked up. i just dont get it.

i need to stop being sad. i need to stop being depressed over this.


i have good friends. i have fun most of the time. but this past week has sucked some major ass.

shit shit shit shit.



im going under again. shit.

bah humbug.

i feel like scrooge.

confidence.

i know what i want.

im not gonna be flustered anymore. well ok, i will be flustered. but that wont stop me from telling people what i want. im not gonna chicken out anymore.

few more weeks of logans. week of fun before school starts. hope it is all good :)


also scheduling biggby might kill me. its gonna be really stressful.

i have been different lately. i have been more confident about myself. i know what i want and i know how i will react and feel around certain situations. which is weird because usually i feel like i dont really know myself. i am more confident about my body and how i look and for the first time ever i think i actually believe that i am pretty. this whole thing sounds vain but i think everyone really needs this to be truely happy with themselves.

but as i get more confident with myself, i get less confident in others. i worry about how easily people come and go in my life. its so easy to lose someone you love. either by choice, or location, or in bad situations even life itself. i have lost a lot of friends lately. biggby friends moving to different states, me choosing not to be friends with people, and just lack of touch. my biggest fear these days is being lonely. not romantically (although i dont like being lonely in that sense either which is unfortunatly my life right now) but just in general. i fear i will have no one to hang out with on a friday night. or no one to tell how my day went. or no one to just randomly text about something silly i saw today or something that made me laugh.


i dont ever want to be alone. please dont leave me.