slowly. one step at a time. im getting better.

everyother day though.... its a bitch. i swear its one good day then one bad day.

mostly im second guessing myself.


he would take me back...............


help me decide.


stealing kate's quote.

i wish living with a mistake was as easy as making it. but that would just be too convenient wouldn't it?

i remember this summer i was all about emotions. i wanted to feel things. i wanted to feel everything. i wanted to get high. i wanted to be drunk. i wanted to be head over heels in love. i wanted to be broken hearted. all because these are human emotions and they should all be felt to the fullest. to live your life.

well im broken hearted now. i cant stop crying. i wanted to puke all day long my stomach was in such knots. i lost my best friend. and i did it to myself.

i dont want to feel this anymore. i take it back. make it better. why did i do this?

longing.

ok here is my rant.

WHY THE HELL AM I AT CC?

i love grand valley. i love dance troupe. i love the campus. and i left it. I miss it so much and its all my own damn fault.

i hate cc. its cold. its far away. i take the bus there two days a week. the other day i drive and have to drive and deal with a shitty ass parkin ramp.


sometimes i seriously have a physical longing to be back on campus and living in the dorms. no joke. i miss my dorm the most i think. I loved everything about it. i know it wasnt the most amazing thing ever, but to me it was. i loved coming home and jumping in bed and going to sleep every afternoon. i loved skipping classes. i loved sitting inmy bed and looking at the window and being able to see my friends walking by all the time. i miss jessica and rob being across the hall from me. i miss kleiner. i miss my all nighters there. I MISS IT SO MUCH. i miss the feel of it. i miss how warm my room always was. i miss the shower. i miss our nasty dishes we never did and left in thte sink for days.
and i couldnt be there again even if i tried. its freshmen only. now, i go on facebook and some of the people who are first years at gv are in those dorms. and i get insanely jealous right away. that was my home. and i want it back.

i feel like i had everything i wanted and gave it up willingly.
fuck being smart and saving money. im in college. i should be dumb.

i know im living in allendale and am right by gv, but its not the same. i think it makes it worse. i am so close, but so far away.

i really miss dance troupe too. i want to dance. so badly. and i have no place to do that.
GOD. im sad. i want to go back next semester. but my dad is seriously refusing. cool.




happy note: today is ryan and my fifth month together. <3

autobiography of now.

These are my people.

This. is Melissa.
she is the bestie. i love her to death and dont see her nearly enough even tho i live like four minutes away from her. i dont think i could function without her.

These. are the Roomates.


(from left to right)

Nicole. is such a sweetheart. i love her for her amazing heart and being such a nice and generous person.

Sami. my roomate from freshman year. i love her soo much. i am pleasantly suprised at how close we have become, and continue to get. i am blessed to have lived with her for two years now, helping her battle through her many illnesses (i mean come on. a staph infection? really?) and her bouts of stubborness. :)

Lauren. I love lauren. she makes me laugh all the time and is such a great person. life would be boring without her.

Chelsea. my cc buddy! i am so glad she was able to come back this year, and that i am getting to know her more and more. she is such a great person and i love her random mood swings. from yelling to violence, i love it all. lol

This. is Gina.

what would i do without gina? even tho she is far away in a land called michigan state, she continues to help me through life every day, and i appreciate every conversation i have with her. the friendship has help up all the way since fifth grade, and i am oh so greatful for that. <3

These. are the Old Steadies.

Kaity. Katie. Amber. i know things have not turned out how we wanted or expected, but the friendship is still there. it always has, and always will.

This. is Ryan.

ryan the bf. he is amazing and i love him.


these are my people. they are the reason i get through every day, and the reason i keep on living. thank you all of you. <3

DAMMIT.

i had a huge posting with pictures and everything and it was awesome. and my freaking internet went out and i lost it all. that took me a long time. damn you internet. im angry at you.

confusion.

so this summer did not go at all how i planned.

i did not expect to have a wonderful boyfriend.
i did not expect to have a major falling out with some good friends over ridiculous things.
i did not expect to be so indecisive.
i did not expect to be so mean at times.
i did not expect to be such a beach bum.
i did not expect to keep in touch with as many people as i did.
i did not expect to miss gina so much.
i did not expect to be so jealous.
i did not expect i would cry so much.
i did not expect to be on the constant edge of a nervous breakdown.
i did not expect loving my house so much.
i did not expect wanting to run away from life so much.
i did not expect to worry about the future so much. (well i guess i did. i always do that)
i did not expect to live with sami again. :) good change tho.


oh well. i will take what i get. i wish i could change some things, but i know it will all work itself out sooner or later, and if it doesnt, well. all i can say is i have worried about things enough, and now it is time to just. plain. live.

let me live. let me be fearless. let me love.

<3

on second thought....

maybe i do.

:)

the grass is always greener

i dont like this.

ya only got one life.

im feeling very ambitious to live life to the fullest today.

im gonna do stuff with my life.

im gonna travel.

im gonna feel things.

im gonna live.

epic fail

so about that thing happening....

:(


WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANT?

someone needs to answer that question and i sure as hell am not able to do it.

so. thoughts? anyone?