shitless

god im scared.

why.

what if its awkward? (it will be)
what if they dont like me? (gah.)
what if nothing changes at all? (would be worse than it going bad)


pleeeeeeeeeeeease work out.

worried.

right now i am very happy.

very.

like. this is what i've been hoping would happen for like 2 months.

but if it ends again....damn. its gonna suck.


but i think it is gonna happen for real. i truely do.

one can only hope

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved


You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

looking up

so i've been feeling better lately.

im still lonely alot. but not only am i getting more used to that, but its getting less lonely.

i'm embracing my roomates friends. i like them. they arent cool or discrete. they are loud. they snort. they are not who i would normally hang out with. but they are nice.
they are company.
they are frineds.

and i love my building. even tho i am still on the outside.

and this housing thing is now more of an adventure than a nuisence.
im gonna figure it out. ill live out with people i dont know. or ill stay at home and enjoy that too. maybe if i stay home ill study abroad.

being home was actually really nice. i am so comfortable with my parents. i could sit and watch survivor all night with them. and not get bored. it only gets bad when mom gets in a cleaning mode. but that doesnt even phase me when im gone so much. it was so nice to revert back to high school for five days.

we'll test that statement out during christmas break tho. i may be eating my text.

but all in all life is good.

school is stressin me out tho.
too much to do.
too much procrastinating.
too much dance.

and i start work on saturday. :/
i hate being the new person and training. oh well. there will be four others with me so its all good.

after this week, i could just be invincible.



if only i didnt pull that muscle in my butt/back. then i could be invincible and walk normally instead of invincible and hobbling around like an old maid.

:)

moe

i miss my cat. she will snuggle with me when no one else will.

truth.

Magnificent...the girl is gone. In the last 30 seconds you bacame a grownup.

What do you say?
Would you marry me today?
The moon would gush all inside outand my nightmares would go away
What do you say?
Would you devote yourself today?
Like riding out a sinking ship as it lowers into the bay
Please stay.

valiant-spill canvas

ugh. more lyrics! yayy


hey guys.

school is starting to feel like what everyone told me it would feel like.
difficult.
socailly and academically.
scary.
tiring.
stressful.
packed to the brim.
hangovers.

i like it and i hate it. but ya know. its how it goes.

it could get a whole lot better. but well see.


just look at it go.

musical

im sorry that im doing all music lyrics. it bugs me sometimes when people do it all the time, but they are just so fitting. so enjoy. the songs are amazing. so look them up if you want to enjoy some grade A musical entertainment.

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life. Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives. I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars. You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars. This is our decision, to live fast and die young. We've got the vision, now let's have some fun. Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do. Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute. Forget about our mothers and our friends We're fated to pretend To pretend We're fated to pretend To pretend I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home Yeah, I'll miss the boredem and the freedom and the time spent alone. But there's really nothing, nothing we can do Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew. The models will have children, we'll get a divorce We'll find some more models, everyting must run it's course. We'll choke on our vomit and that will be the end We were fated to pretend To pretend We're fated to pretend To pretend
MGMT-Time To Pretent

I'm rackin my braintrying to comprehendhow, for some unknown reason, our status will remain as friends I'm destroying my mindtrying to understand how with little to no effortyou've got me eating out of the palms of your hands There was not a single spark when my lips landed on yours in the dark,but regardless of what happens nextyou're my beloved, you just don't know it yet Tonight I made a secret oathto keep chasing after youand I am not going to stopwhether you like it or notWe're murdering our livestrying to make it work,but you and I both know that we are a lost causeand nothing more than specks on this EarthThere was not a single sparkwhen my lips landed on yours in the dark,but regardless of what happens nextyou're my beloved, you just don't know it yetTonight I made a secret oathto keep chasing after youand I am not going to stopwhether you like it or not Tonight I made a secret oath to keep chasing after youand I am not going to stopwhether you like it or not Yeah I know you listen to this all alone up in your roomI know you love how all this music's about you
Spill Canvas-Secret Oath

I'll start this broken heartI'll fix it up so it will work again Better than beforeThen I'll star in a mysteryA tragic tale of all that's yet to come With fingers crossed there will be love But I get carried away with every dayAnd every fantasy The deeper the wound, The harder I swoon and wish that that was meSo much to sayBut no words to convey The loneliness building with each passing day But I'm getting used to it, you have to get used to it I'll devise the best disguiseA brand new look and take them by surpriseThey'll never guess what's not insideI'll express myself with ease, With confidence and character completeWith fingers crossed they'll talk to meBut I get carried away with every pageIn every magazineThe cheaper the thrillThe deeper I fill my head with blasphemySo much to sayBut no words to conveyThe loneliness building with each passing dayBut I'm getting used to it, you have to get used to itI'll destroy this useless heartI'll fuck it up so it'll never beat againNot just for me but for anyoneBut I get carried awayWith every phrase and made up maladyThe longer I hide behind these lies, The more I disintegrateSo much to sayBut no words to convey The loneliness building with each passing dayYou never get used to it, you just have to live with it
motion city soundtrack - broken heart

maybe more to come....

this song will change your life.

I love you
Like I love the sunrise in the morning
I miss you
Like I miss the water when Im burning
I didnt mean to hurt you, dear
The words just came out wrong
Now Im broken down and lonely
And Im so cold at night...



by spiritualized

beer.

i was accused of being an alcoholic today.

but i think thats a preposterous idea. i dont get drunk enough to be that. but the argument was that i want to get drunk all the time. so i just might be.

and you know what? i dont care.

i will enjoy it for the time being. and be happy about it. :)

it makes me feel good. and happy. and warm.

good times. it can only get better from here.


katie-my accusor-my love. lets go party. and get a little more than buzzed. ok? ok.

amber-i wont tell!

love is giving me a natural high.

i love life.

i love friends.

i yet again love moxie.

i love making new friends.

i love feeling loved.

i love new and old and present friends.

i love my brother and awkwardly dancing with him.

i love it when my feet are numb cos they hurt so much.

i love shooting stars.

i love fucking coldest nights of the year.

i love skipping classes.

i love katie.

i love melissa.

i love amber.

idk if i love devon.

i love stephanie.

i love josh.

i love ryan.

i love sami.

i love leo.

i love brian.

i love tyler.

i love jess.

i love brigid.

i love kaity.

i love elisa.

i love brianna.

i love gina.

i love sammy

i love lisa.

if i missed you. know this. and never forget it.

i love you.

emotional.

i love having friends. especially the ones that you dont talk to for a while. and you go back to them. and nothing has changed. and you love them all the same. if not more. and appreciate them that much more.

<3

be happy for me. thanks.

questions.

why do i do this to myself? i had it. it was there. it could have been good.

then i ran.

now hes runnin.


why am i sick? why do i procrastinate? why do i shun you? why do you shun me? why am i mean? why do i do this?


oh questions.

i think i know the answers to all of you.

i just dont want to confront them.

thoughts.

im sorry.

i wish.

stop.

i miss you.

find me.

i love you.

weather.

ohh cold weather.

i love you.

but you dont love me.

you give me headaches and the shivers.

not cool man.


oh. and ps.

it is definitly awkward now.

weekends.

weekends have their ups and downs.

good ups.

crappy hungover downs where your alone in your house with a crazy dog bringing a sharp plastic pop bottle to your face every two seconds when your trying to sleep.

oh well. it was worth it i think.

but it may be awkward now....

i hope not tho.

no.

you know what?

just give me some room.

im pissed. get used to it.

tad bit sad.

so. my whole floor is at moxie. my new favorite place.

and i didnt even know they were going.

idk if i even have the right to, but im feelin a tad bit sad.

i thought i was breakin in.... and i feel like i have totally reversed again.

uuugh. i love it here so much. and it would be that much more awesome if i could just be totally natural around them and get along like everyone else does. but idk how they do it. i cant just be that girl who can walk into a room and go hey. whats goin on?

sorry. i cant.

i wish i could.

chloe could...

love.

i love nightclubs. even when creep ass 20 year old white boys grind on me. cos i gots my mittens to save me.

i love running around downtown feeling like a hooker cos im overdressed. its kinda fun in its own way.

i love bein a rock star. with my rock moves. and i dont need you.

i love being tired out of my mind.

i love the chase. a little. ok not that much but ill do it.

i love my brother.

i love katie.

i love you.

i love him.

shit.

cos i m pretty sure he dont love me.

good.

last minute road trips to western are the best.

especially when you listen to queen and nsync on the way.

also. sleeping through your first class on purpose has its own sort of gratification.

oh life.

ohh life. how boring you are most of the time.

im lovin it, dont worry. im just really bored in between the times im having tons o fun. and i mean tons. yes.

if anyone hasn't checked it out, everyone should check out katie l's rules to live by. umm. they are totally true. and how i now live. its the only way dude.

lets find some fun now shall we??

mip-ed

dude. my hallways is ridiculous. for serious.

drunk people. running up and down. screaming about how drunk they are.

three cops.
+
two drunk girls. hiding in a shower.
=
two mips.

ohhh dang.

and for me? bonding time with my floormates gossiping about what the hell just happened.

i rain on your parade

look at me go. im meeting new people, doing my homework, tired as a dog, and being a bitch.

i really am a bitch a lot of the time. i dont mean to. but when i get a little agitated, i get bitchy. i dont mean to. it just pops out. im so ungreatful. these are the friends that i love. hopefully they love me back. if they can ignore my craziness.

i just want the best for them. and sometimes i take it out on the opposition. but in doing that, i hurt the one im trying to protect. im not trying to be difficult and segregated, its just....

idk. you all deserve the best.

and sometimes i way overanalize my actions. do people take offense? do people not hear them? i cant tell, and it drives me insane a lot of the time.

ugh.

i better not be getting sick.

rollercoaster....of love

hey. i've gone and done it again.

so once again i let my head get the best of me. i was gonna join a sorority. cos it looks like a ton of fun. so i threw out all former plans, and decided i was goin greek. cool dude.

then. i thought. and thought and thought and thought and thought. what the fuck was i thinking? i cant afford that. i dont know if i could handle that with the work load. i dont even know if i would have liked it. it sounds so enticing, and when you go to the meetings its like wow, i could really belong here.

but honestly. i need a good job before i can start spending a thousand dollars more every year. i can barely afford tuition let alone living and breathing sisterhood.

dont get me wrong. im not trying to bash the greeks. i think it would be amazing. i just hate when i get so caught up in things and dont think them through. and now im sad im not doing it.

i wish i could just hop in and meet some new people and find friends for life and love it to death. cos i think some of my friends will love it to death, and i will be left in the dust.

ugh. my mind goes absolutely insane some days.

i just want a job. that actually pays me money. like. lots of it. that would be nice.

ill focus on that for now.

crap

sleep is starting to catch up with me.
its yelling at me cos i used to sleep 8+ hours. now i sleep 6- hours.
not working.

i dont like classes anymore. they are just as boring as high school.

crap.

odd

this weekend was pretty boring. it was weird being in my house. i loved it, but i felt something was missing. i was so bored that i wanted to be back on campus, but then i know if i was back, i would have been bored too cos hardley any one was left.
oh well. good weekend. missed my parents and my dog and cat. bed wasnt comfortable oddly enough. but ya know. i survived.

met some pretty cool people this past weekend. like before and after i left. went to some apartment parties. kinda odd. its weird to just walk around to parties and not worry about the security gaurds. unsuprisingly, i was worried, so i didnt actually party, so i didnt actually get teh full experience, but im gettin there gosh darnit. im gettin there. but i need to actually feel comfortable to actually drink, and that is gonna take a while.

but really, i love college. i wish there was no reading tho. political science text books are a bitch.

ohhh! i got a new phone and texting. yay for liz. shes in the 21st century now. hooray.

o.m.g.

i cannot believe how bored i am today. i am really really really bored. times 10. idk why i didnt do anything, but all morning i was so determined. i did a ton of homework. i read a lot. i finished my business assignment as soon as i got home. it is due friday. now. im a dork. i just sit in my room. watching sydney white and tv and youtube. ugh. save me from the boredom. katie better get out of class soon.

oh! i did my laundry today. yay. :)

escape

i couldnt fall asleep for like, 2 hours last night. one of those, i have to get up at 7:30, so i should prolly sleep now. that was 12:30. so i turned off the lights, kicked out my roomate and her friend(not really, they saw that i was trying to sleep and went to the hallway) and wished for those sweet zzz's to come.
i saw 2 oclock come and go. dont you hate that??

butt

school is kicking my butt. maybe sleep is kicking my butt. idk. i think i am turning nocturnal, which is odd. i was so worried about nights, being homesick during them, not sleeping... but its going really well. nice people, nice place, nice stuff. i find myself walking the campus till 3 in the morning. its really pretty, the lights, the fog.
im also suprised at the company im keeping. i love them all. but they are not all new. and even though i knew them before college, they are like totally new friends to me. im comfortable around them, and love hanging out. the new people are amazing as well. there arent many of them just yet, but its a good collection so far. i just hope they dont get sick of me. which may be a problem-so please all-tell me if i'm annoying.
i do miss home though, dont get me wrong. i miss my dog, my cat, my mom, my dad, my really small bed (yes the beds at college are bigger than my bed at home). its just the comfort of home. the familiarity. everything is new here. its insane living with 4000 18 year olds. totally insane. lets hope the insanity becomes familiarity.