go back

i would give anything to rewind a few weeks.

i house sat for my uncle this past winter, and i think it was my favorite week of my life. i mean it got stressful and stuff, but it was soooo nice to have my own place, cut off from the world, and such a beautiful environment to live in for a week. i lived in a wonderful snowglobe. it snowed every day, i took the dog on walks around the pond, visited the cows, went to bed at 11 on my own free will, got up early, and got homework done. I felt so accomplished. I kind of cut myself off from the world that week, but i wouldnt have had it any other way. i like being alone. and i like not having to please others all the time. all i had was the dog, the cat, the cows, and the woods. i watched hbo and read and cuddled with an impossible year old lab.

i dont know why, but i just really loved that week. i havent been so at peace with myself as i was that week in a long time. it makes me excited to be independent and have a house of my own, and hopefully i will be blessed enough to have such beautiful surroundings as my uncle does.

oh and ryan and i are done for real this time. i have closure and i feel good about it. and we are still friends. im better now :)

war. what is it good for?

that is exactly what stops me from running back to him this second.

its a battle of my mind versus my emotions. idk which one is winning.

but i hugged him the other day. :)

sigh of relief.

i love my support system.

self discovery

i have never been really really sure of who i am. i try to think of my standpoint on topics or morals or ideas and i always kind of shy away from making a firm decision. but lately... i have been making some realizations. and i am not entirely sure i like them all.

i have always looked as myself as a very independent strong person. i dont think that is the case. i think that is all i knew. but now... i feel so lost. i dont like being alone. i am lonely constantly. i have so many friends. and i am so blessed with that. but i hate knowing that at the end of the night, i have no one to say goodnight to. i have no one to curl up next to.

i am such a hopeless romantic. but at the same time, i do not truly believe i will ever be head over heels in love with someone. its the practical side of me. i cannot imagine myself just melting over someone every time their name is mentioned. yes i have had butterflies and weak knees or whatever but not for any extended period of time. i think i am more concerned about being protected and having someone safe. i like to feel safe. a lot.

i am impatient. very much so. marriage scares the shit out of me, always has. i have never ever imagined myself married. until lately. its a nice thought. having someone there always no matter what. for better or worse. i know it will be a long looooong time before i am married, but i also do not want to wait around to find that person. i am 19. i know that is still so young. but i feel that time is just ticking away waiting for me to make decisions about who i am going to be and who i will be with, and i dont want to miss out. i am scared that i will be alone the rest of my life. it sounds like a lonely existance.

i have also discovered i do things that i dont understand. why am i still waiting by my phone? i completely revolve around it. if i dont hear from him for a day its like my world is ending. why is that? i do not understand. it is driving me insane. i cannot understand why i am still so sad and excited and emotional. it has been a month. i almost cried today. the holidays were really hard for me to be alone. i thought this would be the year i had someone to kiss when the ball dropped. i thought i would have someone to bring to family parties maybe. someone to tell all my frustrations about my family about. a vacation from stress. the weird thing is i know i would not have been happy if i was still with him. i dont know if i cannot accept the fact that he is not the one for me, or if i just didnt know i had a good thing in my grasp. maybe i had to loose it to realize what i had.

all i know is that i will not be unfair to him. i will not be that girl who plays with his emotions and ruins his day because i cannot decide what i want for myself.

even though i do not like it, i will be strong. i will be independent. because i cant stand hurting anyone anymore.

someone wake me up when i am ready to understand myself. because this is exhausting.

this almost explains it.

slowly. one step at a time. im getting better.

everyother day though.... its a bitch. i swear its one good day then one bad day.

mostly im second guessing myself.


he would take me back...............


help me decide.


stealing kate's quote.

i wish living with a mistake was as easy as making it. but that would just be too convenient wouldn't it?

i remember this summer i was all about emotions. i wanted to feel things. i wanted to feel everything. i wanted to get high. i wanted to be drunk. i wanted to be head over heels in love. i wanted to be broken hearted. all because these are human emotions and they should all be felt to the fullest. to live your life.

well im broken hearted now. i cant stop crying. i wanted to puke all day long my stomach was in such knots. i lost my best friend. and i did it to myself.

i dont want to feel this anymore. i take it back. make it better. why did i do this?

longing.

ok here is my rant.

WHY THE HELL AM I AT CC?

i love grand valley. i love dance troupe. i love the campus. and i left it. I miss it so much and its all my own damn fault.

i hate cc. its cold. its far away. i take the bus there two days a week. the other day i drive and have to drive and deal with a shitty ass parkin ramp.


sometimes i seriously have a physical longing to be back on campus and living in the dorms. no joke. i miss my dorm the most i think. I loved everything about it. i know it wasnt the most amazing thing ever, but to me it was. i loved coming home and jumping in bed and going to sleep every afternoon. i loved skipping classes. i loved sitting inmy bed and looking at the window and being able to see my friends walking by all the time. i miss jessica and rob being across the hall from me. i miss kleiner. i miss my all nighters there. I MISS IT SO MUCH. i miss the feel of it. i miss how warm my room always was. i miss the shower. i miss our nasty dishes we never did and left in thte sink for days.
and i couldnt be there again even if i tried. its freshmen only. now, i go on facebook and some of the people who are first years at gv are in those dorms. and i get insanely jealous right away. that was my home. and i want it back.

i feel like i had everything i wanted and gave it up willingly.
fuck being smart and saving money. im in college. i should be dumb.

i know im living in allendale and am right by gv, but its not the same. i think it makes it worse. i am so close, but so far away.

i really miss dance troupe too. i want to dance. so badly. and i have no place to do that.
GOD. im sad. i want to go back next semester. but my dad is seriously refusing. cool.




happy note: today is ryan and my fifth month together. <3